"Desire Discrepancy": When One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other” Introduction (Sex Therapy: Part 2 of 4)

If you’re in a relationship, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced moments when one of you wanted sex and the other didn’t. Maybe one of you craves it more often, while the other feels pressured or avoids it altogether. This mismatch—known as desire discrepancy—is one of the most common reasons couples seek sex therapy. And while it can feel isolating or confusing, it’s also incredibly normal.

As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professional (CSTIP), I want to help you understand where desire differences come from, why they matter, and how you can work through them in a way that brings connection—not conflict.

What Is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire discrepancy is when two partners experience differing levels or expressions of sexual desire. This could show up as:

• One partner initiating sex more often than the other

• One feeling rejected or undesired, while the other feels overwhelmed or pressured

• Differences in preferred timing, frequency, or type of sexual activity

• Long periods of sexual “dry spells” despite emotional closeness

It’s important to know that there’s no “normal” amount of sex. The issue isn’t the frequency—it’s how both partners feel about the difference and how they communicate about the difference.

Why Does This Happen?

Desire isn’t static. It’s affected by a mix of physical, emotional, relational, and psychological factors. Some common contributors to mismatched desire include:

Stress, anxiety, or burnout

Hormonal or medical changes (e.g., postpartum, menopause, medications)

• History of trauma or shame around sex

• Differences in attachment styles

• Relationship conflict or emotional distance

• Lifestyle changes (e.g., kids, caregiving roles, work schedules)

• Unspoken resentment or unmet needs

Sometimes, the partner with “lower” desire is actually overwhelmed emotionally or physically and simply doesn’t feel safe or relaxed enough to access their libido. Other times, the higher-desire partner may be using sex to feel connected, while their partner prefers emotional connection before intimacy. It can become a painful feedback loop where both feel rejected or misunderstood.

It’s Not About Blame

Desire discrepancy is not a matter of who’s “right” or who’s “broken.” Yet many couples fall into a dynamic where one partner feels defective (“Why don’t I want it more?”) and the other feels deprived (“Why don’t they want me?”).

In sex therapy, we explore this issue through a lens of curiosity, not criticism. Both experiences are valid. The goal is to understand, not to diagnose or assign fault.

What Happens When It’s Not Addressed?

When left unspoken, desire differences can chip away at the foundation of a relationship. The higher-desire partner may feel emotionally or physically starved, while the lower-desire partner may feel guilty, resentful, or shut down.

Over time, this can lead to:

• Avoidance of physical intimacy altogether

• Feelings of rejection or insecurity

• Increased conflict or tension in other areas

• Affairs, porn use secrecy, or emotional withdrawal

• A sense of living like roommates rather than lovers

But this doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It simply means there’s a disconnect that deserves attention—and can be repaired.

How Therapy Helps

Sex therapy provides a space for partners to explore their sexual relationship with compassion and structure. In therapy, we:

Normalize desire differences and remove shame from the equation

Explore what desire looks like for each partner (e.g., spontaneous vs. responsive desire)

• Help couples understand each other’s emotional and physical needs

• Identify any underlying resentment, hurt, or unspoken expectations

Rebuild trust and emotional safety around intimacy

• Create a collaborative plan for intimacy that feels good for both people

Rather than trying to make the lower-desire partner “catch up,” we look at how desire can be nurtured and reimagined in a way that supports the relationship.

The Role of Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire

A major breakthrough for many couples is learning about the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.

• Spontaneous desire happens out of nowhere—like a spark that ignites.

• Responsive desire is triggered by context—emotional closeness, touch, safety, or relaxation.

Many people (especially women, but not exclusively) experience responsive desire. This means they may not feel “in the mood” until they’ve already begun a moment of closeness. That doesn’t make their desire less valid—it just works differently. And understanding this can help reduce a lot of frustration and misunderstanding in a relationship.

A Different Kind of Intimacy

One of the most powerful shifts couples make in sex therapy is moving from “How often are we having sex?” to “How connected do we feel?”

Rather than counting sexual encounters, we talk about:

• Emotional vulnerability

• Affection and non-sexual touch

• Feeling seen and desired

• Giving and receiving pleasure in new ways

Desire doesn’t always return overnight, but connection and closeness can be cultivated intentionally, one step at a time.

Practical Tips for Navigating Desire Differences

Here are a few ways you and your partner can begin to address desire discrepancies together:

1. Talk About It Outside the Bedroom

Choose a neutral time to discuss your feelings, without blame. Use “I” statements, like “I miss feeling close to you” or “I feel anxious about sex because…”

2. Get Curious, Not Defensive

Ask open-ended questions:

“What helps you feel more connected?”

“What turns you off—or on—that I might not know about?”

“What does intimacy mean to you?”

3. Schedule Connection Time

Not just sex—but cuddling, massages, date nights, or simply being present together.

4. Take Pressure Off of Performance

Intimacy doesn’t have to be goal-oriented. Reducing pressure often opens the door for more enjoyment and spontaneity.

5. Consider Therapy

If you’re feeling stuck or the topic is too emotionally charged, therapy can help navigate it with support and structure.

Final Thoughts

Desire discrepancy doesn’t mean something’s wrong with your relationship—it simply means you’re human. Every couple goes through ebbs and flows in their sex life. What matters is how you respond to it.

With honest conversations, mutual respect, and professional support if needed, desire differences can become an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection—not division.

If you or your partner are struggling to talk about sex, know that you’re not alone. Sex therapy offers a path forward that honors both your stories, needs, and desires.

Boosting Confidence in the Bedroom

Boosting Confidence in the Bedroom

Improving your confidence in the bedroom and enhancing your sex life doesn’t have to be a daunting task. By taking steps to assess your physical and mental health, understanding the potential effects of medications, and addressing sleep quality, you can make meaningful changes that will boost your sexual well-being. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.