Sex Therapy for Individuals: Healing, Exploration, and Empowerment (Sex Therapy: Part 4 of 4)

Introduction

When most people think of sex therapy, they imagine a couple sitting on a therapist’s couch, trying to rekindle a spark. But sex therapy isn’t just for couples—it’s also a transformative space for individuals. Whether you're struggling with desire, dealing with sexual trauma, exploring your identity, or just curious about deepening your relationship with yourself, sex therapy can be a powerful and personal journey.

As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professional (CSTIP), I work with many individual clients who come to therapy not because their relationship is in crisis, but because they want to heal, grow, reconnect with their sexual self, or connect with their sexual self for the first time.

Why Seek Sex Therapy as an Individual?

You don’t need to be in a relationship to benefit from sex therapy. Many people come to therapy because they feel disconnected, confused, or conflicted about their sexuality, and want to explore it in a private, supportive environment.

Here are just a few reasons individuals seek sex therapy:

• Low desire or lack of sexual interest

• Performance anxiety or difficulty with arousal/orgasm

• Shame around sexual thoughts or behaviors

• Navigating identity (orientation, gender, kink, etc.)

• Healing from sexual trauma or coercion

• Confusion or guilt stemming from religious or cultural beliefs

• Feeling “out of touch” with one’s body

• Wanting to feel more empowered and informed about one’s own pleasure

Sometimes the concern is specific; other times, it’s a vague sense that something’s not quite right. Either way, you’re not alone—and it’s worth exploring.

Reclaiming Your Sexual Story

Many of us didn’t grow up in environments that celebrated healthy, curious, shame-free sexuality. Instead, we may have received messages that taught us to be silent, embarrassed, or disconnected from our bodies. Others may have had their boundaries violated, which can deeply impact feelings of safety and trust—especially with oneself.

Sex therapy helps you revisit these stories and redefine them.

• What have you been taught about sex, and what do you actually believe?

• What experiences shaped how you feel about your body, identity, or pleasure?

• What does sexual safety, sexual exploration, or sexual freedom look like for you now?

• How was your last sexual experience and what internal messages do you take from that experience?  If you have not experienced a sexual experience, what internal messages do you hold about your sexual self?

By examining and rewriting these narratives, you begin to build a sexual identity that feels authentic—not inherited or imposed.

You Are the Relationship

Sex therapy for individuals focuses on you as the relationship worth investing in. That includes your relationship with your:

• Body

• Desire

• Boundaries

• Identity

• Pleasure

• Values

This journey often includes:

• Gaining confidence in how you express and advocate for your wants and needs

• Learning what turns you on—and what shuts you down

• Processing trauma or anxiety that interferes with intimacy

• Practicing bodily awareness or mindfulness techniques

And no—you don’t need to be sexually active, or even interested in sex right now, to benefit. This work is about you, not your relationship status or current sexual behavior.

What Therapy Might Look Like

You might be wondering: what happens in a sex therapy session for individuals?

Here’s a glimpse:

• Assessment: We explore what’s bringing you in, your personal and sexual history, your goals, and your current level of comfort.

• Psychoeducation: You’ll learn about the science of desire, arousal, trauma, attachment, and communication.

• Narrative exploration: We unpack the scripts and beliefs you’ve absorbed about sex and identity—and evaluate whether they still serve you.

• Mind-body connection: Through breathwork, somatic practices, or mindfulness, we may work on reconnecting with bodily awareness and presence.

• Goal setting: You get to define what sexual empowerment means for you—whether that’s experiencing more pleasure, feeling less shame, exploring new aspects of yourself, or simply becoming more comfortable in your own skin.

Sessions are collaborative, paced based on your readiness, and grounded in consent.

Healing Is Nonlinear

The process of healing, especially when it comes to sexuality, is rarely linear. Some weeks you may feel excited and empowered. Other weeks might bring up grief, discomfort, or fear. That’s all part of it.

It’s important to normalize that exploring your sexual self may bring up complex emotions:

• Sadness for what you didn’t know you were missing

• Anger at the ways you were harmed or misinformed

• Fear of what might change as you grow

Therapy offers space for all of that—to feel, reflect, grieve, and eventually move forward with more freedom and clarity.

Sexual Empowerment

Sex therapy for individuals is an act of empowerment. It’s not about fixing a problem—it’s about reconnecting with your wholeness. Even if your goal is specific (e.g., reduce anxiety, improve functioning, feel more confident), the process itself affirms your right to pleasure, truth, and self-understanding.

Empowerment might look like:

• Saying your sexual wants and needs

• Saying yes or no with confidence

• Exploring fantasy without guilt or shame

• Feeling safe in your body again

• Embracing your identity without apology

• Asking questions you were once afraid to ask about yourself

• Holding deeper conversations about sexual intimacy with current and new potential partners

There is strength in curiosity. Strength in vulnerability. Strength in investing in yourself.

You Don’t Have to Wait for a Partner

Many people put off working on sexual issues because they believe they have to wait until they’re in a relationship. But doing this work on your own sets the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling future connections—romantic or not.

When you understand your own needs, limits, and desires, you’re better equipped to communicate and advocate for them. You’re less likely to settle for relationships that don’t honor your full self. You become your own best partner—and from that place, anything is possible.

Final Thoughts

Sex therapy for individuals is a powerful invitation to rediscover your voice, your body, and your capacity for connection and joy. It’s not selfish. It’s not frivolous. It’s an act of self-respect.

Whether you’re working through something painful, seeking clarity, or simply ready to explore, you deserve support that affirms your dignity and worth. You are not alone. And there’s nothing too strange, too broken, or too private to bring into the therapy room.

Sex Therapy helps remind you of all the ways that sexual health is important to you, ways that sex can feel fun and that you can seek the pleasure you desire, and ways to seek healing through sex – with yourself and with sexual partners.

“Let’s Talk About Shame: How Sexual Shame Shows Up in Therapy” (Sex Therapy: Part 3 of 4)

Introduction

Sexual shame is one of the most common—and most invisible—barriers that people bring into therapy. It shows up not just in our thoughts, but in our bodies, our relationships, and our silences. It whispers, “There’s something wrong with me.”

As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professional (CSTIP), I see how deeply how shame can impact my clients, especially with how they experience connection, pleasure, and self-acceptance. The good news? Shame can be unpacked, understood, and ultimately healed.

In this post, we’ll explore where sexual shame comes from, how it affects us, and what therapy can do to help you move from silence to self-compassion.

What Is Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame is the internalized feeling that your sexual thoughts, feelings, desires, or experiences make you bad, unworthy, or broken. It often stems from the belief that there’s something inherently wrong with you—whether for what you want, what you’ve done, or what’s happened to you.

Unlike guilt, which is about what you do, shame is about who you are. It’s more than embarrassment—it’s deep, identity-based wounding that can grow in silence for years.

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Shame doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s built, layer by layer, over time—often beginning in childhood or adolescence.

Here are some common sources:

• Religious or cultural messaging: Teachings that sex is sinful, dirty, or only acceptable under certain conditions

• Gender and body expectations: Feeling “too much” or “not enough” of what society says you should be

• Lack of comprehensive sex education: Growing up without accurate, affirming information about sex

• Early shaming experiences: Being caught exploring your body or expressing interest in sex, and being punished or ridiculed for it

• Sexual trauma or coercion: Internalizing blame or confusion after being harmed

• Media influence: Feeling inadequate compared to unrealistic portrayals of sex and desirability

Over time, these messages become internalized. Instead of seeing sex as something natural, pleasurable, and connective, many people experience it as a source of fear, avoidance, or performance anxiety.

How Shame Shows Up in Therapy

Clients often don’t walk into therapy saying, “I’m here because I feel sexual shame.” Shame is sneaky. It disguises itself as something else:

• “I just don’t like sex.”

• “I can’t let myself be touched.”

• “I feel gross when I think about what I want.”

• “I don’t deserve pleasure.”

• “I can’t tell my partner what I really fantasize about.”

Some clients come in with no sexual experiences or limited sexual experiences — because shame has convinced them they’re unworthy of intimacy. Others may engage in sex frequently but feel emotionally disconnected or filled with regret afterward. Shame is unfortunately powerful in how it disconnects partners in relationships and can be influential on desire discrepancies and in how partners communicate about sex.

It can even show up in the body—clenching, numbing, shutting down, or dissociating during intimate moments.

The Loneliness of Sexual Shame

One of shame’s most painful effects is isolation. People suffering from sexual shame often feel like they’re the only ones dealing with “this.” They’re afraid to talk to friends, partners, or even doctors. They may carry secret fears that they’re broken, unlovable, or perverse.

This secrecy fuels more shame. It becomes a cycle:

Silence → Shame → Avoidance → Disconnection → More Shame

Therapy breaks that cycle by bringing shame into the light—gently, safely, and without judgment.

What Healing Looks Like

Healing sexual shame doesn’t mean becoming a perfectly confident or uninhibited sexual being. It means becoming curious instead of critical, compassionate instead of condemning, and present instead of detached.

In therapy, we work together to:

• Identify the shame: Saying out loud what you’ve never said before can be incredibly powerful.

• Understand where it came from: Whose voice is this shame in? Where did you learn that certain feelings or experiences were “wrong”?

• Dispel the Myths Shame Tells Us: Just because you feel shame doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.

• Build new narratives: Create an updated, affirming understanding of sexuality based on your values—not someone else’s.

• Reconnect with your body: Practice self-awareness, self-touch, or mindfulness exercises that promote safety and comfort.

We go at your pace. There’s no rushing or pressure. Shame often melts when it’s met with empathy—and that’s the core of sex therapy. We strip away the power of shame and shift toward more positive view of your sexual self.

You’re Not Alone

So many people carry shame around sex. And yet, almost no one talks about it openly. If this post resonates with you, know this: You are not broken. Your body is not the enemy. Your desires are not something to be ashamed of.

In fact, the more we talk about shame, the less power it has. Therapy helps you reconnect with the truth: that your sexuality—however it looks—is worthy of love, respect, and care.

A Note for Partners and Loved Ones

If your partner is navigating sexual shame, it’s important to approach them with empathy, not frustration. Avoid comments like:

• “Why can’t you just relax?”

• “You’re overthinking this.”

• “That’s not a big deal.”

Instead, try:

• “I want you to feel safe with me.”

• “You don’t have to rush—let’s go at your pace.”

• “I’m here for you, not just for sex.”

• “Let’s focus on what feels good for you, instead of pressure on sexual performance.”

Shame will gradually decrease when it’s met with compassion.

Final Thoughts

Sexual shame is heavy—but it’s not permanent. With care, curiosity, and the right support, you can unlearn the fear, silence, and judgment that have weighed you down. You can reclaim your story, your body, and your right to pleasure.

Whether you’re just starting to question why you feel the way you do—or you’ve been carrying this burden for years—it’s never too late to begin healing.

You deserve a relationship with your sexuality that feels grounded, whole, and free of shame.

"Desire Discrepancy": When One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other” Introduction (Sex Therapy: Part 2 of 4)

If you’re in a relationship, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced moments when one of you wanted sex and the other didn’t. Maybe one of you craves it more often, while the other feels pressured or avoids it altogether. This mismatch—known as desire discrepancy—is one of the most common reasons couples seek sex therapy. And while it can feel isolating or confusing, it’s also incredibly normal.

As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professional (CSTIP), I want to help you understand where desire differences come from, why they matter, and how you can work through them in a way that brings connection—not conflict.

What Is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire discrepancy is when two partners experience differing levels or expressions of sexual desire. This could show up as:

• One partner initiating sex more often than the other

• One feeling rejected or undesired, while the other feels overwhelmed or pressured

• Differences in preferred timing, frequency, or type of sexual activity

• Long periods of sexual “dry spells” despite emotional closeness

It’s important to know that there’s no “normal” amount of sex. The issue isn’t the frequency—it’s how both partners feel about the difference and how they communicate about the difference.

Why Does This Happen?

Desire isn’t static. It’s affected by a mix of physical, emotional, relational, and psychological factors. Some common contributors to mismatched desire include:

• Stress, anxiety, or burnout

• Hormonal or medical changes (e.g., postpartum, menopause, medications)

• History of trauma or shame around sex

• Differences in attachment styles

• Relationship conflict or emotional distance

• Lifestyle changes (e.g., kids, caregiving roles, work schedules)

• Unspoken resentment or unmet needs

Sometimes, the partner with “lower” desire is actually overwhelmed emotionally or physically and simply doesn’t feel safe or relaxed enough to access their libido. Other times, the higher-desire partner may be using sex to feel connected, while their partner prefers emotional connection before intimacy. It can become a painful feedback loop where both feel rejected or misunderstood.

It’s Not About Blame

Desire discrepancy is not a matter of who’s “right” or who’s “broken.” Yet many couples fall into a dynamic where one partner feels defective (“Why don’t I want it more?”) and the other feels deprived (“Why don’t they want me?”).

In sex therapy, we explore this issue through a lens of curiosity, not criticism. Both experiences are valid. The goal is to understand, not to diagnose or assign fault.

What Happens When It’s Not Addressed?

When left unspoken, desire differences can chip away at the foundation of a relationship. The higher-desire partner may feel emotionally or physically starved, while the lower-desire partner may feel guilty, resentful, or shut down.

Over time, this can lead to:

• Avoidance of physical intimacy altogether

• Feelings of rejection or insecurity

• Increased conflict or tension in other areas

• Affairs, porn use secrecy, or emotional withdrawal

• A sense of living like roommates rather than lovers

But this doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It simply means there’s a disconnect that deserves attention—and can be repaired.

How Therapy Helps

Sex therapy provides a space for partners to explore their sexual relationship with compassion and structure. In therapy, we:

• Normalize desire differences and remove shame from the equation

• Explore what desire looks like for each partner (e.g., spontaneous vs. responsive desire)

• Help couples understand each other’s emotional and physical needs

• Identify any underlying resentment, hurt, or unspoken expectations

• Rebuild trust and emotional safety around intimacy

• Create a collaborative plan for intimacy that feels good for both people

Rather than trying to make the lower-desire partner “catch up,” we look at how desire can be nurtured and reimagined in a way that supports the relationship.

The Role of Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire

A major breakthrough for many couples is learning about the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.

• Spontaneous desire happens out of nowhere—like a spark that ignites.

• Responsive desire is triggered by context—emotional closeness, touch, safety, or relaxation.

Many people (especially women, but not exclusively) experience responsive desire. This means they may not feel “in the mood” until they’ve already begun a moment of closeness. That doesn’t make their desire less valid—it just works differently. And understanding this can help reduce a lot of frustration and misunderstanding in a relationship.

A Different Kind of Intimacy

One of the most powerful shifts couples make in sex therapy is moving from “How often are we having sex?” to “How connected do we feel?”

Rather than counting sexual encounters, we talk about:

• Emotional vulnerability

• Affection and non-sexual touch

• Feeling seen and desired

• Giving and receiving pleasure in new ways

Desire doesn’t always return overnight, but connection and closeness can be cultivated intentionally, one step at a time.

Practical Tips for Navigating Desire Differences

Here are a few ways you and your partner can begin to address desire discrepancies together:

1. Talk About It Outside the Bedroom

Choose a neutral time to discuss your feelings, without blame. Use “I” statements, like “I miss feeling close to you” or “I feel anxious about sex because…”

2. Get Curious, Not Defensive

Ask open-ended questions:

“What helps you feel more connected?”

“What turns you off—or on—that I might not know about?”

“What does intimacy mean to you?”

3. Schedule Connection Time

Not just sex—but cuddling, massages, date nights, or simply being present together.

4. Take Pressure Off of Performance

Intimacy doesn’t have to be goal-oriented. Reducing pressure often opens the door for more enjoyment and spontaneity.

5. Consider Therapy

If you’re feeling stuck or the topic is too emotionally charged, therapy can help navigate it with support and structure.

Final Thoughts

Desire discrepancy doesn’t mean something’s wrong with your relationship—it simply means you’re human. Every couple goes through ebbs and flows in their sex life. What matters is how you respond to it.

With honest conversations, mutual respect, and professional support if needed, desire differences can become an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection—not division.

If you or your partner are struggling to talk about sex, know that you’re not alone. Sex therapy offers a path forward that honors both your stories, needs, and desires.